


imagine vriska with chest hair in the shape of the light symbol

by EtchJetty, Nihilistic_Janitor



Category: Homestuck, Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:02:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28792872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchJetty/pseuds/EtchJetty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihilistic_Janitor/pseuds/Nihilistic_Janitor
Summary: Nine "highly competent" mercenaries head on out to meet Vriska Saxton and hear out her job offer.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Kanaya stepped out into the chill Siberian winds, ready to set forth. Her makeup kit was strapped to her back, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of foundations, primers, eyeshadows, and lipsticks. She shifted the weight, moving her large minigun and its many cases of ammo into a more comfortable position.

It was a long trek to the airport. The pay for this job better be worth it.

* * *

Eridan groaned. The stupid legendary piece o' shit sword was whispering to him again, trying to get him to chop off the heads of random-arse passerby.

"hold yer fuckin horses. ivve got a fuckin job comin up, wwe'll get you yer fuckin heads."

The sword, as usual, didn't shut the fuck up. Eridan hated that the damn thing was too useful to throw away. And also that it always returned to his side every time he did. Explosions were so much more satisfying, but no, stupid past Eridan wanted some kind of melee weapon. Fuck.

He took a swig of booze and kept walking.

* * *

Rose took another leap across the rooftops. Tickets were for those without the mental capacity to discern a better method of locomotion. In Rose's case, the current method was running, and the method in her near future was the freight train rattling along the tracks a little ways away.

Money was precious, and important, and Rose wasn't about to spend her hard earned cash to pay some jackass to defy the laws of gravity. She had better things to do with her moolah. And besides, who didn't love catching trains?

With a flying leap, she soared off the final rooftop and rolled as she hit the roof of a boxcar, coming to a leisurely stop right on the opposite edge. Easy.

* * *

Gamzee was on a plane! :o)

* * *

Terezi stepped out of the SUV and tugged lightly at the sleeves of her suit, ensuring that they were perfectly straight. Her watch smelled, as always, like she was right on time to meet her new employer. She allowed herself a small grin.

This job? This job smelled like fun. Gunpowder and blood simply reeked from the offices she'd been invited to, lurking just underneath the deliciously lemony floor-wax and warm wafts of coffee.

Then she schooled her face. She was, after all, a professional.

* * *

Crikey, was Jake ever happy to see this job land in his lap! He'd been growing far too bored shooting the shit with his mates and staying with his dear old granny. This was the kind of gig that took preparation, excitement, adventure, all the things Jake loved.

He had his guns, he had his hat, he had his blindingly perfect smile, and he had a plan. The plan, of course, being kick ass, and kicking ass of course meaning lodging a bullet in some bloke's noggin on demand.

Jake was so, so bloody ready for this.

* * *

Dave wiped the grease off his hands with a rag and peered through his shades at the teleporter. He wasn't exactly eager to go wasting however much time getting from point A to the point where he was supposed to B. So. He made a thing.

That was pretty much what he did these days. He had too many fucking degrees, so he made things, and built them in places where they'd be useful, and occasionally he'd slam some sucker between the eyes with his shotgun, and he'd get the money to make more things.

Ah well. It was an endless loop, but it's a living. Dave stepped into the whirling teleporter.

* * *

Jane groaned. Of fucking course she got a job offer right as she was doing the most interesting autopsy of her life. Even now she could still see those wonderfully, enticingly ruptured organs, just begging to be cut out and tested.

She grumbled to herself and twirled her bonesaw around as she walked along the dusty street. Stupid money. Sucked that she needed it for funding. Absolute pain in the ass. If only she had some of that fucking gold that got squirreled away to who the fuck knows where.

* * *

Nepeta was ready for duty! She had a rocket launcher, and the American Way, which was also her rocket launcher, and her helmet, and she was so ready! Things were going to be blown into itty-bitty pieces, and it would all be for freedom!

Nepeta skipped happily along towards her newest post. The United States really was lucky to be the greatest country on Earth, and thus to have her as America's greatest and most loyal soldier. She'd fought in every war they hadn't let her, which was every war, and that meant she was even more dedicated than the soldiers they had let in!

And now she'd be fighting in some kind of new battle! For America! And money, which was like tiny floppy America rectangles that you could trade for anything else you wanted, as long as it was made with Freedom!

* * *

Vriska smiled at the nine photographs laid out on her desk. She had as many irons in the fire as ever, but these nine? These nine irons were what she was going to use to club her foes to death.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi its me etchjetty.
> 
> im deeply sorry for having written this except not really because i think it's very funny.

Vriska grinned.

They had arrived.

VRISKA: WELCOME ALL! WELCOME TO THE LAST JO8 YOU'LL EVER NEED!

ROSE: Last job you'll ever need? I'm not supposed to be this genre savvy, but this sounds extremely fishy.

ERIDAN: howw rude

ERIDAN: im a bloody fish but you dont see me complainin

ROSE: Awright. 

ROSE: We certainly got a hell of a kooky crew here, don't we?

TEREZI: OH, QU13T YOURS3LF, HUM4N

TEREZI: 1'M 4 PROF3SS1ON4L SPY. 1 KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG TH3R3 1S TO KNOW 4BOUT 3V3RYON3 H3R3

TEREZI: KOOKY DO3SN'T 3V3N B3G1N TO D3SCR1B3 TH1S 4RR4NG3MENT

ROSE: Heh. She got the rest of you!

TEREZI: BY TH3 W4Y G1V3 MY R3G4RDS TO ROXY

TEREZI: SH3 W4S WOND3RFUL

VRISKA: ::::O

ROSE: :O

TEREZI: >;]

DAVE: wait 

DAVE: did you bang my biological mother

DAVE: dude what the hell

TEREZI: >;]

DAVE: jegus stop winking

KANAYA: This Talk Tires Kanaya

KANAYA: Big Woman Must Get On With It

VRISKA: Right!!!!!!!!! What the Heavy said.

VRISKA: You've pro8a8ly heard of me. My name is Vriska Saxton, and I'm the wealthiest, sexiest, and smartest 8achelorette in all of the continent!!!!!!!!

TEREZI: TH3 N34RLY 3MPTY CONT1N3NT OF 4USTR4L14

VRISKA: Wow! I h8 you a lot! 

VRISKA: I swear, all of the 8est mercenaries are also the quippiest...

ROSE: That's been true in my experience, heh!

VRISKA: Though there are always exceptions.

ROSE: Awh.

VRISKA: A8out a year ago, a cerulean-8looded partner of mine discovered a high concentr8tion of an extremely rare and valua8le element that I du88ed Vriskalium!

VRISKA: We, well, mostly he, created a lot of ro8ots to mine in the areas and defend the mines from potential thieves. 

VRISKA: Unfortunately, that stupid high8lood forgot to make it so that the ro8ots would recognize me and him as their creators to collect the damn Vriskalium off them!

VRISKA: And we can't shut any of them off, either -- not without a whole lot of manual force.

VRISKA: I'm sure one of you is familiar with the small shipment of Vriskalium that I was a8le to recover -- though it did cost me an arm. Literally.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: shit

DAVE: i probably should have

DAVE: put that together sooner

DAVE: that saxton hale was obviously vriska saxton you weren't even subtle about it wow

DAVE: well

DAVE: at least the teleporters and dispensers work great

VRISKA: Ex8ctly!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: That's why I hired all of you. I was a8le to provide Dave here with a tiny shipment of Vriskalium and he was a8le to invent transportalization!

VRISKA: Just imagine what we could do with more. And I mean literal tonnes more.

JANE: I could finish the ubercharger experiments...

VRISKA: Yes!

TEREZI: 1 COULD M4K3 MY D1SGU1S3 1MP3N3TR4BL3

VRISKA: Yes!!!!

KANAYA: I Could Afford

KANAYA: So Many Sandviches

VRISKA: Yes!!!!!!!!!

GAMZEE: hOnK :o)

VRISKA: Yeah, sure, whatever. Throw that in too.

NEPETA: :33 < ms vwiskers maam!

NEPETA: :33 < i have a question fur mew

NEPETA: :33 < could this cemewlian purrtner of mewrs happurrn to be one equius "blu" zahhak?

VRISKA: Why, yes. Yes, he is.

VRISKA: Do you know him or something?

NEPETA: :33 < hes my moirail! 

NEPETA: :33 < though i hafurnt seen him since enlisting and then getting "dishonorably" discharged furrom the united states military whatefur that efurn means X33

VRISKA: Well, I'm sure you'll see him soon enough.

DAVE: wait is red here too

DAVE: famed explorer 

NEPETA: :OO < a-"red"-ia megido? 

NEPETA: XOO < woah

VRISKA: Yeah, yeah, she's somewhere around here. 

VRISKA: Weird-ass death fairy.

ROSE: Is there anyone else we've not yet been introduced to? 

VRISKA: Red, 8lu, my exquisite self...

VRISKA: Ah! One more. Ms. Pauling! Meet the team.

KARKAT: I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING RESPOND TO MISS PAULING.

KARKAT: I'LL PUT ON YOUR WEIRD FUCKING OUTFIT BECAUSE YOU PAY ME LITERALLY ENOUGH TO BUY A CONTINENT, BUT "MISS" PAULING IS A STEP TOO FAR. 

DAVE: (oh my god)

DAVE: (is that a dude in a pencil skirt)

ROSE: (Are you getting turned on by that?)

DAVE: (holy shit am i)

DAVE: (i have ten phds and fucking none of them prepared me for this)

TEREZI: (WH4T 4R3 YOU KNUCKL3H34DS WH1SP3R1NG 4BOUT)

TEREZI: (1S TH4T 4 WR3NCH 1N YOUR POCK3T OR 4R3 YOU H4PPY TO S33 MS P4UL1NG)

KARKAT: I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!

KARKAT: GOD. THIS IS MY LAST FUCKING PUBLIC APPEARANCE.

KARKAT: FROM NOW ON IT'S RADIO ONLY. THIS IS HUMILIATING, EVEN FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.

KARKAT: AND THAT WRENCH IS NOT IN YOUR FUCKING POCKET, ENGINEER. I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE IN YOUR TOOLBOX. HOLY SHIT.

KARKAT: NONE OF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.

KARKAT: IF I, KARKAT PAULING, CALL YOU, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SPEAK TO ME, BUT ONLY ABOUT THE MISSION.

KARKAT: GOT IT? 

GAMZEE: hOnK :oO 

KARKAT: AT LEAST THE CLOWN IN THE GAS MASK FUCKING KNOWS HOW TO NOT TALK TO ME. 

KANAYA: I Am Very Excited To Meet A Fellow Appreciator Of Fashion

KANAYA: And One With An Understanding Of The Oppressive Norms Of Gender

KANAYA: Back Where I Come From You Would Have Become Execute For Wearing That

KANAYA: Though I Would Have Been Too Thanks To Shortness Of Skirt Length So It Is Actually Not A Gender Thing Per Se

KANAYA: To Finish Speech

KANAYA: As Thanks For Showing Kanaya The Wonders Of The Land Of The Free 

KANAYA: I Will Share With You

KANAYA: My Borscht Recipe

KARKAT: I'M FUCKING DONE.

KARKAT: SAXTON, WRAP THIS HORSESHIT UP. WE HAVE ROBOTS TO KILL.

NEPETA: >:33 < killing robots X33

NEPETA: :33 < they were nefur alive! eqqy nefur made sense when he said that h33h33

VRISKA: Are you done?

NEPETA: :33 < yeah

VRISKA: Okay. 

VRISKA: As I was saying.

VRISKA: You're going to 8e the 8est, most elite team in the world.

VRISKA: For the sake of organizing, you're going to 8e divided into nine classes.

VRISKA: Rose Lalonde?

ROSE: You're talkin' to her!

VRISKA: You'll be our Scout.

ROSE: They'll never see me coming!

TEREZI: FR4NKLY 1 F1ND TH4T POSS1B1L1TY UNL1K3LY

TEREZI: NOBODY WOULD B3 4BL3 TO 4VO1D ST4R1NG 4T TH4T UGLY B4S3B4LL C4P

TEREZI: TH3Y'D H34R YOUR STUP1D 4CCENT FROM MIL3S 4W4Y

TEREZI: 1T DO3SNT 3V3N M4K3 S3NSE

TEREZI: YOU GR3W UP 1N UPST4T3 N3W YORK NOT BROOKLYN

TEREZI: OW >:[

ROSE: And there'll be more bonks to the head where that came from if you keep talkin' like that!

VRISKA: That drive to find out everything you know about your potential adversaries is what makes you our spy, Terezi.

TEREZI: TH3 B3ST D4MN ON3 TH3R3 1S >:]

VRISKA: While we're on the topic, Mr. Strider!

DAVE: yeah

VRISKA: You'll 8e our engineer.

DAVE: yeah

VRISKA: Good!

VRISKA: Finally, no stupid 8acktalk.

DAVE: wait just one question

DAVE: how much of the vriskalium do i get to keep 

VRISKA: Eridan!

ERIDAN: wwhat

ERIDAN: wwere you talkin to me 

VRISKA: You'll be our demoman.

ERIDAN: finance my drink and ill explode anythink

ERIDAN: that wwas a joke lads

DAVE: haw.

VRISKA: Ms. Maryam?

KANAYA: Yes

VRISKA: Heavy Weapons Guy.

KANAYA: Yes

DAVE: hopy shit i thought that was a makeup case

KANAYA: It Is

DAVE: what

DAVE: thats a machine gun

KANAYA: It Is A Makeup Case

DAVE: damn youre right coulda sworn it was a machine gun

KANAYA: It Is 

DAVE: what 

DAVE: thats a makeup case 

KANAYA: It Is A Machine Gun 

TEREZI: W3LL TH1S 1S 1D1OT1C

TEREZI: OFF TO H4NG MYS3LF

VRISKA: No, hold on, there are still a few classes left.

VRISKA: We've got Pyro, of course, though I think he'll 8e a8le to pull the "murder" schtick off...

GAMZEE: HoNk.

VRISKA: And our very own ex-soldier, Sarge Leijon...

NEPETA: :33 < did i get to sergant? i was kind of too busy killing people to remember what ranks i got X33 

VRISKA: Ah, our medic! Jane Crocker, daughter of the Crocker empire -- instead of inheriting a glo8al 8aking conglomer8, you went to Med School instead. Tell us a8out yourself, Medic.

JANE: They had very nice biotechnology over at Crocker, don't get me wrong.

JANE: But sometimes you want to break out into something more experimental and a boardroom of fuddy duddies just can't understand what you need millions of dollars of funding for!

JANE: So I broke out on my own, broke a few limbs for cash to heal some more back into place...

ROSE: You put a bird in my sternum.

JANE: Did I? Dearie me, how careless. I can remove it if you want, it'll probably not be painless.

ROSE: Uh, I'll pass, doc.

ROSE: Thanks for the offer, though.

JANE: Of course! Of course. 

JANE: If any of those dastardly robots hits you, come to me immediately, alright?

ROSE: Sounds... like a plan.

KANAYA: I Will Visit You Immediately Doctor

KANAYA: Right After Meeting

ROSE: You are?

JANE: You are? 

JANE: I mean, yes, you're always welcome in my laboratory.

VRISKA: Hold the phone!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: I let you all talk for so long because we're missing someone! And I just figured out who!

VRISKA: Where the hell is 8ur Sniper????????

JANE: Sniper?

JANE: You can't possibly mean--

JAKE: Im so sorry im so late everyone! Crikey but the trip was so awkward and people werent letting me through without seeing some kind of identification but i left it in some drawer about three snipers nests ago and oh no janes here.

JANE: Hello, dear ex-husband of mine. 

JANE: Why are you stepping foot even one hundred meters within my restraining order?

JAKE: That was a real restraining order? 

JANE: What, did you think I had filed it as a joke? No, don't answer that.

JAKE: But i was told--

VRISKA: Yes, you were. 

VRISKA: 8ecause I own the entire goddamn continent, 8ecause I'm fucking awesome, the restraining order isn't valid while you're in my employ. 8asically no laws are.

VRISKA: Ergo, Jake is allowed to 8e here.

JANE: That is ridiculous!

JANE: In no way am I going to subject myself to-- to JAKE ENGLISH for more than--

VRISKA: Medic.

JANE: Yes?

VRISKA: Listen to what I said again. 

JANE: Because I'm in your employ...

VRISKA: My law is the only law.

JANE: But... that would mean...

VRISKA: Yep!

JANE: No medical ethics regulations whatsoever?

JANE: Nothing on the books at all?

VRISKA: There's literally only one thing.

VRISKA: Don't shave my chest hair. It's in the shape of the Light Aspect and I will kill anyone who even comes close to me with a razor.

JANE: ...

JANE: Fine. You've convinced me. 

JANE: Welcome to the team, Jake. 

JAKE: You wont regret this mate!

VRISKA: And that makes our Sniper!

VRISKA: Scout, Spy, Engineer, Demoman, Heavy, Pyro, Soldier, Medic, and Sniper.

DAVE: and miss pauling

KARKAT: JUST PAULING. GOD. PLEASE.

VRISKA: That's 8asically everything I can think of to say!

VRISKA: Are you in?

ROSE: I'm in! 

NEPETA: :33 < claw yeah!!

ERIDAN: dont havve anythin better to do 

DAVE: im just here for the cool rocks

TEREZI: 1'M H3R3 FOR YOUR MOTH3R

DAVE: why do you have to say these things

GAMZEE: I'm MoThErFuCkInG iN!!! :o)

ROSE: Woah, you can talk? 

GAMZEE: HoNk :oD 

KANAYA: I Am In Too 

JANE: As am I. 

JAKE: Me too!

VRISKA: I knew you'd agree to it!

VRISKA: It's going to 8e Man Vs. Machine!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> While the only reason this fic musters par is because of EtchJetty's help, she would like me to putt in a clarification that the text contained herein is entirely my fault. Sometimes the terrible words just flow like water, hazards of fic writing i guess. i apologize for any miserie s and trap ped feelings reading this fic may have caused. i implore you to remember that there are different strokes for different folks, and sometimes when a little birdie tells you about a fic, its just as fair a way to say 'yeah im not reading that shit'.


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